5 Steps to Turn Conflict Into a Learning Conversation  

One of the first tests of a new manager’s skills is having difficult conversations and managing conflict. How managers deal with these challenging situations in the workplace will either earn them respect or not. Managers pass “the test” when they can manage their own emotions, guide others through a landscape riddled with their emotions, and achieve a mutually beneficial outcome – no small feat.

Having difficult or uncomfortable conversations in the workplace is a key differentiator between bumbling managers and inspiring leaders. A bumbling manager stays entrenched in his or her behavior patterns, using parochial methods to get results. An inspiring leader grows and develops in his or her communication abilities throughout his or her career journey, learning how to have the distasteful conversations that move teams through challenging times.

First, we need to understand why dealing with conflict is important:

• It addresses performance or behavior issues that others may not be aware of or may not understand how it’s affecting their colleagues and the environment.
• Done well, dealing with conflict can evolve relationships, reduce further confrontation, and increase collaboration.
• It will lower everyone’s stress level.
• It’s an important evaluation factor in terms of career-advancement opportunities.

Conflict arises for a myriad of reasons, but it always can be reduced to perceptions. Team members have their own unique perspectives and filters through which they see the world. When a team member is rigid and fails to account for another’s perspective, she becomes close-minded. When this happens, she resorts to un-empowering perceptions. Here’s what she may be thinking:

• She feels like she has to cope or “deal with” other team members or situations in order to get things done.
• She gets so frustrated at having to deal with the situation that she feels like quitting or giving up because it [or they] will never change.
• She wonders why nobody listens to her, and she can’t articulate the multitude of good ideas she has.
• She believes she’s surrounded by incompetent idiots, and that’s why nothing will ever change or get done.

Again, these are perceptions; perhaps she doesn’t even realize she thinks these thoughts. As a result of her un-empowering perceptions, she may begin to exhibit equally un-empowering and disruptive behaviors. Then a good manager must step in and address her behavior.

The real challenge is the manager discovering she may be experiencing some of the above perceptions. When the manager succumbs to frustrating and un-empowering perceptions, she becomes part of the problem. In order to not add fuel to the conflict fire, she must examine her own perceptions. Inspiring leaders develop the ability to conduct and facilitate stressful conversations through intentional practice of self-awareness.

Awareness of Perceptions 

One’s perception is one’s reality, regardless of its validity. Stated another way, a person does not see the world as it is; she sees the world as she is. Managers who operate from this position fail to see the perspectives of the team and resort to the “tell/sell/yell” method of communication described by Judith Glaser in her book Conversational Intelligence. The tell/sell/yell management style is best represented by Michael Scott in the iconic TV series The Office. When Michael wanted his team to do something, he’d tell them what he wanted and why. When they resisted, he would continue to persuade them by selling them on his idea. When they still refused, he would occasionally resort to yelling like a child having a tantrum until he got his way. 

An inspiring leader is aware of and questions her own perceptions. She wonders where her beliefs came from and doesn’t necessarily accept them as the truth but rather as her truth. With this understanding, she can also respect and appreciate the perceptions of others, even those with whom she may not agree. She avoids right/wrong thinking and recognizes the value of difference in others.

When an inspiring leader avoids right/wrong thinking, she conveys confidence along with openness. Projecting openness at the beginning of an awkward conversation communicates trust and creates a safe environment where the other person can express her perspective.  It helps quell fears the team member may have about the conversation. Fear shuts people down. When people are shut down, their perspective of reality is altered. When a person’s perspective of reality is altered, rational decisions and creative solutions are unattainable.

With a better understanding of perceptions and how they impact the ability to direct and manage challenging conversations, here are five steps to help unravel the conflict and turn it into a learning conversation for everyone involved.

• Step 1: Recognize and validate the issue. If you are dealing with conflict between two people, understand that there are always three sides to every story: his side, her side, and somewhere in between is the truth. If the issue is with only the behaviors or actions of one individual, give her the opportunity to share her version of the story, and then share yours. Together you can uncover the truth in the middle. In either case, suspend judgment and enter the conversation with two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk.
• Step 2: Acknowledge everyone’s feelings. The most common mistake made in dealing with conflict is ignoring feelings – your own and the feelings of your team members.  Instead of ignoring feelings and emotions, start the conversation by owning your feelings and encouraging your team members to own theirs. If you don’t own your feelings, they will own you. Remember that feelings are about what your team member is experiencing, not who she is. Feelings can make conversations enjoyable just as much as they can make them difficult.
• Step 3: Avoid blaming. You need to find your neutral center and remove potential barriers before you can master conflict resolution and have learning conversations. A major potential barrier is finger pointing. Blame leads to anger, frustration, and defensive attitudes. If your team member starts to blame, redirect her back to the facts of the situation. Be certain you are also maintaining a neutral center and not falling into the trap of blame.
• Step 4: Be clear about each person’s desired outcomes. Express your vision and have your team member do the same. Transforming a conflict into a solution is much more beneficial, and your team member will feel less on guard if she is part of something larger than herself. Enlist her in the process of discovering a solution to arrive at a mutually satisfying outcome.
• Step 5: Turn negatives into positives. Remember, it’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.  Difficult conversations can be, well, difficult, but they don’t have to be negative.  If you approach it as a learning conversation, your perception and the way you communicate it will be more meaningful and positive. Your team members always want to know where they stand and what they can do to improve.

Inspired leadership starts with self-awareness. When you know and understand where your perceptions originate, you can begin to evolve them, make better choices, and engage in more meaningful conversations. Difficult conversations become less difficult and transform into learning conversations. Learning conversations move teams through challenging times with less stress, increased collaboration, and a deep commitment to the desired outcome.