Tips to Help Reduce Guilt with Positivity and Perspective

Guilt is supposed to be a tool the psyche uses to guide us. Guilt is a barometer telling us when we have compromised our beliefs. It makes us feel uncomfortable when we have done something wrong or hurt someone else.There are days when guilt might be the one thing that stands between you and doing something unethical to boost your business. Negative feelings like guilt are supposed to help as a moral compass, for example if we cheat, lie, or steal. A little guilt is the psychological apple a day; however, nobody should eat the whole bushel.

Women tend to have more guilty feelings than men do. Perhaps our hardwiring toward nurturing leaves us open to feeling guilt when we feel like we are not doing “enough” to perfect the world around us. We aspire to demi-goddess status by trying to be the smartest, the prettiest, the best baker, the best mom, the PTA president, the CEO of a major corporation, the best partner to our spouses, and finally, a sexual dynamo before collapsing into bed at night.

When we cannot achieve it all, we lie in bed agonizing over why “so and so” can manage it all but we can’t. We feel inadequate, assuming that we must lack the skills to do all those jobs to perfection. Inadequacy often leads to a meal full of feelings of hopelessness with a heaping side of worthless.

Can you picture one of the men at the office lying awake at night agonizing over having to travel during Suzie’s dance recital? Or feeling guilty because he didn’t wash the dishes in the sink before he collapsed in front of the TV to watch the Superbowl? You’re probably laughing at the thought.  Women, however, can not only picture ourselves doing these things, but we also can fill in the blanks with a variety of ways that we have recently beat ourselves up with guilt over one thing or another.

Excessive guilt can lead to stress. Stress releases chemicals that help your body get through challenging situations such as fleeing a burning building or lifting a heavy object off your child. Too much stress from guilt can lead to headaches, upset stomachs, backaches, and sleep troubles that can wreck your day and night. They wear away at your immune system and can lead to illness. Prolonged guility stress can also deteriorate the very relationships you were trying to protect with your child, your coworkers or your spouse.

The roots of such guilt frequently come from the voices in our heads that have been there since childhood. Parents frequently connected love and acceptance with playing by the house rules and generally pleasing the parents, teachers, or caregivers. While this works swimmingly with most children, it can lead to a pattern in which a person seeks outside ratification for every decision, every move made. Things that do not go “as planned” become cause for guilt because someone will surely disapprove of the imperfect behavior or results. Identify the voice in your head telling you to feel guilty. Identifying the voice is like finding a leak. Your positive energy leaks out. Once you locate it, you can either plug the hole or replace the pipe altogether.

Plug the guilt leak. When you hear the negative voice of guilt in your head, talk back to it (maybe silently so you don’t alarm the people around you who think you are talking to yourself). Counter the guilt with a positive affirmation. Instead of feeling bad for taking time off to have your baby, adjust to motherhood, etc. Tell yourself that since men cannot yet give birth, you are doing a very important job in helping the human race to continue. By taking maternity leave, you are creating a positive environment for good things to happen at home and at work when you return.

Guilt also creeps in when your life gets out of balance. The first step in overcoming guilt is to regain balance with realistic expectations. Learn to say “No.” You will feel better for it. Women who frequently put themselves last can feel guilty if they say “No” in order to make their own needs a priority. Letting go of the guilt associated with putting yourself first might be challenging, but it will also be rewarding. Let go of the need for perfection. Make friends with “good enough” on some things. Define what is good enough in your estimation. Be realistic. If an immaculate home is a hard limit for you but you cannot clean and still have time to get a manicure or get your hair done, give in. Hire someone to clean and make time for you. Better, still, teach yourself to let some things go. Dust is not hazardous to your health, but guilty stress might be. Instead of feeling guilty for being late to a meeting because you are stuck in traffic, let it go. You will not impress clients at your meeting if you sweep into the conference room nervous and flustered.

Keep your eye on the “real” prize. If you are planning a dinner party and feeling guilty that something might not be perfect, ask yourself what is the real purpose of the party. Unless you are a professional chef, chances are the party’s purpose is more about getting together with friends or business associates than it is about the food or festive decorations. Do not allow your brain to create overthinking scenarios, or feeling guilt or stress over little inconveniences that will be forgotten a few days from now, let alone a month or a year from now.

What do you fear? If you say “No,” do you fear that your boss or coworkers will feel let down? Maybe you worry that you will scar your son for life if you purchase cupcakes for his birthday party instead of baking them from scratch…gluten free…and with only the most wholesome ingredients. What you really fear is lack of acceptance or approval. With few exceptions, you do not need the approval of anyone but yourself.

Women in business usually have to keep many balls in the air. You can have it all; you just have to be realistic about how much space in your mind and life you can allocate to each ball. Eventually, something has to give. You are not a failure if you want or need more time to yourself; the people who love you will understand. You should not feel guilty for saying “No” to anything that doesn’t serve your interests or meet your needs in some way. You should never feel guilty about defining how you want to balance your life with work, play, family, school etc. It is your life. If it helps you to remind yourself that few businessmen would feel guilty about not baking cookies while preparing for a big presentation the next day, great. Getting rid of your self-imposed guilt isn’t about being like a man, it is about being the most happy and effective you that you can be. So, banish your guilt and live your imperfect life, perfectly.