7 Tips for Dealing with Friction in the Workplace and Keeping Your Cool  

We own the decision for selecting our friends and our partners as we go through life, and we choose hobbies and extracurricular activities that surround ourselves with like-minded people. Wouldn’t it be great if we had this same freedom to pick our coworkers? Given that disagreements happen in our personal lives – with even the people we choose! – it stands to reason that they are inevitable on the job where differences in opinions, backgrounds, and values make work a prime location for friction.

Unless you plan to always knuckle under to your coworkers, you need to get good at disagreeing tactfully. People who maintain a cool head through tough discussions gain respect; their ability to manage conflict is a sign of good leadership, which lends credibility.

Conflict Resolution 101

If you think about the most recent disagreements in your work life or home life, you may see a theme in how you responded. While we all have preferred styles of conflict management, great leaders adapt to the situation and select which mode is best at that moment. Difficult scenarios warrant different styles, and you’ll want to be agile and self-aware enough to know which to use when.

Thoman-Kilmann’s Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) says that when we’re experiencing conflict our behavior reflects two modes, either assertiveness or cooperativeness. How you operate between the two lends itself to five ways of handling the disagreement:

• • Collaborating: Working to find mutually beneficial solutions
  • Competing: Looking to win at the other person’s expense
  • Compromising: Trying to reach a middle ground with wins and losses for both parties
  • Accommodating: Satisfying the concerns of the other person
  • Avoiding: Failing to address the issue

Here’s an example where some of the above came into play: recently a colleague and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on a process. However, we’d been a team for weeks, and assumed we agreed on a particular point because we had a history of similar views. And even better, though we’d never actually talked about it, we both felt comfortable speaking for the other in a meeting.

That was the first mistake. The second was once we realized we disagreed, contradicting each other in front of an audience. There were third and fourth mistakes too, practically becoming a case study of ill-fated clashing.

Bottom line: while disagreeing in a meeting is acceptable, interrupting, loud-talking, grunting, and shutting down are not. I’m guilty of two of those charges. Maybe more. I was “competing,” (using the definition above), and it wasn’t helpful to get to a quick and healthy resolution.

7 Smart Tips to Keep Things Smooth

So, considering my recent misstep, I’ve come up with a list of seven good practices when disagreeing with colleagues:

1. Adapt to the Situation. There doesn’t always need to be a winner or loser. Using the list above, think about whether this is an occasion to collaborate, compete, compromise, accommodate, or avoid? Weigh the circumstances surrounding the conflict, and determine how assertive and cooperative you should be to reach a great outcome.

2.  Ask Yourself, “Do we really disagree?” Are we possibly saying the same thing just in different ways? Cultural and regional differences can complicate conversations, or sometimes we’re not listening well enough to hear the commonality beneath all of our personal filters. So probe. It may reveal that you were on the same page all along.

The same applies to emails, where it’s way too easy to misunderstand or take things out of context. Sometimes we let our fingers do the talking when a voice discussion – where quick clarification, tone and body language – could quickly quash a misunderstanding.

3.  Is the Other Person Right, or is Their Idea Better than Yours? Don’t let pride prevent you from diffusing a situation. Your colleague’s points could be more salient, and insisting upon your own is a sign of professional immaturity. This behavior could come back to bite you when you’re ready to talk about that next promotion, raise, or internal transfer. If they are right, say so, and move on.

4.  Zip it. “Out-talking” is the worst way to plead your case. I know your pain of feeling the urge to jump in or interrupt. My rule of thumb is to allow the person a couple of minutes – a full two, in fact – to make their case. If they haven’t paused after that time, I interject by saying “Excuse me, I’d like to go back to your earlier point.” Now the floor is mine.

5. Don’t condescend. I once sat in on a call with two colleagues when one said to the other, “You listen here!” Her snarkiness was so off-putting that she lost credibility. She talked to a peer like he was a child, and later her reputation suffered for it. Refrain from jabs and put-downs, and communicate with dignity. Your ability to keep cool will earn respect.

6.  Encourage different opinions. Challenging ideas is one of the best ways for better ones to surface. If you anticipate conflict, remind yourself and the other person upfront that it’s okay to disagree and that you’ll both grow for it – as will your employer.

7. If you lose your cool, apologize. Don’t sweep a bad incident under the rug. If your frustration gets the best of you, say you’re sorry. Acknowledge your passion for the topic, and let your colleague know you respect his opinion. Humility keeps grudges at bay, and will help you and the other person to recover fast.

I bounced back from my recent misstep by poking fun at myself. Before long my coworker and I were laughing with each other. More importantly, we came up with a better, collaborative solution, one that incorporated the best of both of our views. In the end, we had a far superior option to where we’d started, and that’s definitely a win-win for the company and your relationship.