Learning to Let Go of the Fear of Asking for Help  

Why is it so hard to ask for help when most people are all too excited to pitch in to help solve an issue?   When a person asks for help are they considered needy?  Do people think less of the person asking for assistance? Why do women in particular have this deficiency? It seems that women contemplate a thousand times to ask for help in a difficult situation.  Most women worry about seeming weak or incompetent when asking for assistance, especially from someone of a higher status.  Remember that people love to help and asking for assistance makes them feel valued. There is no shame in asking for help.

Here are the key points to asking for help:

• Know that the fear of asking for help is not innate
• Remember, “Don’t ask, don’t get”
• Ask help from a person who is competent, trustworthy and accessible
• Think about who to ask first and then network if needed
• Explain what, where, when and how
• Overcome fear by practicing

It is important to understand that everything women think and feel about asking for help is learned. Perhaps one watched her mother who “did it all” so seamlessly and feels insecure because she feels she can’t live up to that Super Mom ideal. Or, in this age of technology where answers are a Google search away, women feel that they must know everything or at least look it up for themselves instead of seeking help from a human expert.  The first step in getting over this hurdle is to remember this fear wasn’t inborn or inherited. The fear of asking for help can be overcome with simple reminders. Consider, for example, an email blast that requested, “Does anyone know someone who speaks Portuguese?” and people cheerfully responded. Most people are willing to offer assistance and guidance when asked.  It offers a sense of pride and allows them to give back their gift or expertise to others.

Asking for help involves some vulnerability, so it stands to reason you should turn to someone who is competent, trustworthy, and accessible. What the worst that can happen?  A very wise friend once said, “Don’t ask don’t get”. The next time you need help from a co-worker or friend, whether for a work project or assistance with a childcare issue, repeat the following phrase: “Don’t ask, don’t get,” and see what happens!

The danger of procrastinating can let the situation grow from a problem into a crisis. No one wants to seem out of control, frail or incapable, but by not asking for help one might fall into one of those categories.  Remember to remove the ego and ask away.  Take the power of fear and wipe it out!  If the first person one asks cannot offer help, carry on and network with friends to see if they have someone who might be able to assist. Maybe women feel incompetent asking for help because she doesn’t know how or doesn’t have practice doing it.

Communicate a request for help from a friend by listing the task: what, where, when and how.  Make it short and to the point. My son is sick (what) at home. (where) Are you able to watch him today from 1-3pm? (when) Can you stay at the house in case he needs something? (how). Then explain, “I have a huge work project meeting and could really use your help.  Let me know next time you are in a pinch, and I will help you. Thanks.” Was that so hard?

If requesting assistance from a co-worker, say, “I’ve been working on this report and am struggling with some concepts. I know you are really good at compiling data, so I could really use your expertise in creating this report. I know you’re not a fan of clinical work, so I wouldn’t mind helping you out sometime.” Reciprocating is vital at the workplace because very complex projects depend on creative, positive business outcomes. Helping is a two-sided coin. Do reciprocate, but be aware that someone may not reciprocate when you have helped out, and that’s okay, too. One doesn’t necessarily help out a colleague or friend to get something else in return.

Be empowered and start practicing asking for help now. Asking for help is a life skill that enables a person to be engaging and productive. It also allows the helper to feel empowered because their expertise has been noticed and appreciated enough to be asked to share or assist with something. By helping others, one can make a difference. So share your knowledge, give transparent feedback, be an advocate and remember to ask for help when you need it next time.