Whether Unexpected or by Choice, Change Opens a New World of Opportunities  

Life is full of dreams and wishes.  It is also filled with things that we wish we had done, or said. I call it the “should have and would have, but…”, followed by the appropriate reason or excuse.  Too often the choices are made for us.   Women around the world are realizing that the choices for traveling down different paths are within their own power of choice.  The impact and influence of our own culture, family conditioning and society usually dictate how we live today, and think about the future.  Throughout our childhood we hear phrases that stick with us as adults:  “don’t make waves, don’t speak to strangers, don’t stand out from the others, don’t argue with your elders”, and many more messages that permeate our minds.  I don’t believe those messages are valid in today’s incredibly fast paced, high technology world.

To survive and thrive in this dynamic century, we must face the impact of this word called CHANGE. In the past 25 years or so, most of us have not needed to look beyond our own borders to live and work.  But all of that has changed now – dramatically changed.  Social media, communications tools and networking is changing the face of military dominated rule.  We cannot imitate the Ostrich, stick our heads into a hole in the ground, and pretend that our lives can continue as they always have.  Change can be challenging, without a doubt; but it can also create fear in the hearts and mind of people not used to dealing with change.  Once the fears are identified and understood, then it can be broken down into manageable components.  Then we begin to see the opportunities.

Although my primary point of view is that of an American, my work and research has expanded to many countries around the globe.  In the United States and in the countries where I have the most life experience, global shifts, technology, demographic shifts, an older population worldwide, and other trends are impacting the way we work and live.  We must face those changes – and learn how to deal with them. These kinds of changes don’t just happen overnight.  They are like tiny bugs, gnats, which nip away at our self-confidence.

Change affects your professional as well as your personal life.  Change can be a cause of happiness, excitement and opportunity, as well as frustration and anxiety.  Unwelcome change, or being unable to deal with it, can cause a personal loss of power and self-confidence.   I learned critical lessons from the dramatic, emotional roller coaster ride I found myself on.  Times of “transition” are especially troublesome. When a life partner is chronically ill, one’s shared life changes forever.  That’s a simple statement, but a profound, all-encompassing one.  The more I lived with Michael, my husband for ten years — the more I saw, felt, cried over, and coped with all the havoc his diabetes was causing — the more I realized that our lives would never again be the same. Suddenly, all those old sayings I’d heard since I was very young began to take on meaning: Sink or swim.  Bend or break.  Adapt or die. All we can control is our own response.

For me, the most profound change brought on by Michael’s illness was the change in myself.  Somewhere during the course of his illness I came to realize that I would never be the same.  Although he was the sick one, I eventually understood that I, too, was going through a terrible ordeal that would forever alter how I felt about myself and about the world.

• • Did I become stronger?  Perhaps, but I thought I was already strong.
  • Did I become more compassionate?  Well, I had always seen myself as a caring, responsive human being.
  • Had I been living in a “Pollyanna” world?  Maybe.
  • Did I need to be put to this sort of test?  No.  I didn’t.  And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But I survived, and I did my best, for Michael and for myself.

Through most of these changes there was a profound feeling of loss: loss of health; loss of companionship; loss of beauty, pleasure, and time.  There were days when I thought I was losing not only my husband, but also my own life.  My life, the life I had chosen for myself and nurtured for 46 full, never-to-be relived years.  The first step in the long process of rebuilding myself was to admit that I had been suppressing my emotions for a long, long time.

Not long after Michael’s death in 1987, I was asked to give a speech before an audience of businesswomen.  My topic was “Overcoming Roadblocks to Power,” a subject I figured I knew something about!  One of the things I talked about was the relationship between change and power.  Change can bestow power, or it can take it away.  Personal power depends a lot on how you perceive yourself, and how others perceive you.

The changes in my life were disruptive and painful–and at times, more powerful than I was.  But after a point, I could feel the tide changing.  I knew then that I was strong enough to turn and face the waves.
Choices and Options: What Can You Do?
One of the best approaches to facing and accepting the changes is the process I call “step back and re-assess.” I took a 4- day adventure trip and came away with several lessons that helped me re-focus.

Re-focus:

1. 1. Getting out of a difficult time takes time.  It is a process.  The first step is to regain your perspective.
   2. Rethink and realistically look at your goals.  (If you have not ever learned how to do this, my book will show you how – step by step.)
   3. Be honest with yourself; you may not like what you see.
   4. What will it cost? Make decisions on what price you are prepared to pay for reaching those goals.
   5. Analyze your potential obstacles, your strengths and your weaknesses.
   6. Look ahead. Try to determine your potential roadblocks or detours.
   7. Do not accept responsibility for things you cannot control.  You must focus on those where you can make a difference.
   8. If you have to compromise, and it may be painful, give yourself time to heal, to recover, and then move on.  Those are some specific lessons I learned about ways to re-assess and regain self-confidence.  And if that doesn’t provide help fast enough, then GO SHOPPING!
   9. That leads to another major point, never take yourself too seriously. The ability to laugh at your own self has been a wonderful lifesaver in my life.

Plan B.
Too often we live plan B throughout our lives.  It is not what we planned.  We know what we wish for and dream about; but the realities of the world take us a different direction.  You and I know about real life situations affecting our lives and changing what we believed we wanted.  When that happens, use the knowledge you gained from the experience, reverse the decision and choose another path.

Major point: Identify what things are within your control, and those that are not within your control.  Learn to LET GO of those that are not in your control, and write a plan to change the ones that are.