8 Ways to Cure an Insistence on Things Being “Just Right” 

“Good is the enemy of perfect.”  Wait. That’s not how the old saying goes? Are you sure?  Because I’m fairly certain that was how I operated for, oh, about 25 years of my life.

(Sorry, Voltaire.  In fact, his real quote, which he appropriated from an Italian proverb, is “perfect is the enemy of good” — sort of what this article is about!) And I know I’m not alone in this way of thinking, so I won’t go into detail about the exhausting, anxiety-ridden days associated with trying really, really hard at maintaining an unrealistic, has-to-be-better-than-good way of life. We (the perfectionists) know about it already.

What I will delve into is how I’m still accepting that being a perfectionist is and will always be part of what makes me, me. But it wasn’t until two years ago that I began the decidedly imperfect journey of trying to take some of the insane perfectionist pressure off my back and shoulders and neck… and…well, you get the picture.

I know, I know – it may seem like with all the self-help books and wonderful, supportive therapists out there, I (and the rest of the perfectionists) should be able to nip this suffocating, unhealthy mindset in the bud, right?

Ha. If only it were that easy!

There is no objective “right”  way to get rid of both perfectionism and its side effects (believe me, I’ve searched) but there is hope for relief: It just looks a lot different from what I imagined when I chose to make a change in my life. In other words, I’m learning to adjust my expectations of what “better” feels like. And my better is probably a whole lot different than your better – and that’s okay; in fact, that’s the point!

There are tips, tricks and tools, sure, but we perfectionists should all pump the brakes here and be reminded of what infomercials have been saying for years: “Results may vary.”

So with that in mind, I’ll share what (most of the time) works for me on my imperfect journey toward relieving the pressure and anxiety associated with perfectionism. Some of it may resonate with you, some of it may not. If nothing else, I’m hoping this will give another look at what’s possible.

8 Cure-Alls for the Perfectionist in Me

Finding a Therapist: I’ve found someone with whom I click, and who gets where I’m coming from. She’s helpful and kind and supportive. If you decide to seek professional help to work though any kind of issue, make sure to find someone who you enjoy being around and who allows you to let it all hang out (ugly cry and all), without feeling insecure or bad. Rule of thumb: as with a significant other, don’t settle for just any therapist! Keep searching for the right one!

Using Mantras: My therapist really turned me on to the idea of mantras and positive affirmations. In the beginning, she let me borrow some of her own mantras. Now, I’ve seasoned her words with my own spice in a fashion that makes sense to me, and most of the time, they are effective.  If nothing else, when I say them in my head, they cause me to stop, gather myself and take my mind off wherever it was racing.

Coffee Cure: Coffee grounds me (pun intended). Sure, the caffeine jolt is nice and can help my productivity, but the calming aspect of grabbing coffee with my friends and family (or even by myself) is what really soothes me. When I’m enjoying a strong cappuccino, the warm drink comforts me while I talk (or think) about what’s going on in my life. No matter what, I’ll always love this ritual. Even when I’m feeling unworthy or downright crummy, coffee always makes me happy.

Writing: Ah. This is one of my favorite ways to make sense of life, and where I can be my truest, most confident self. Writing is the place where on the best of days, I’m able to elevate myself above the negativity and on the not-so-good days, I’m able to at the very least work through the kinks, and understand what is really going on. So no matter what, when I journal (in a physical notebook or on my computer), I gain insight into who I really am. I understand me more, and I quite like the person I’m getting to know (flaws and all)!

Exercising: Walking, running, kickboxing, yoga – these are all things that make my body and mind stronger. Those scientific studies are on to something – the endorphins released after physical activities are amazing! I feel happier and more at peace with who I am after getting out there and moving because, hey, my body works, and I’m so grateful for that!

Happy Notes: Perfectionists like to magnify our failures, but it’s entirely fine to every once in a while pat ourselves on the back or say we’re doing all right (in fact, we should do it more often)! Whenever I’m proud of something or even want to pump myself up, I jot something positive down on my “notes” app, and scroll through it when I need a reminder or a smile.

My Team: Sometimes, outside (non-professional) forces are required to get me back on track: They are my people, my team. My family and friends build me back up when I feel like a failure —  and when I need them to, they guide me through the nasty, negative shadow perfectionism casts. But I need to be honest with those around me – people can’t help if they don’t know what’s up! Also, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to stop and realize that people love me, all of me, in spite of the incorrect narrative I’ve once again conjured up about myself.

Spirituality: Oftentimes it’s God, sometimes it’s nature, sometimes it’s the universe – these are things that help me understand there’s more out there than just recovering-perfectionist ol’ me. When things get hairy or when I want to say “thanks,” I make sure to set aside spiritual time, which is usually is a long walk accompanied by my favorite music.

Working past perfectionism is a daily task. It’s something I have to consciously want, and then go deliberately do. Along with help and tips from my kick-ass therapist, my superhumanly-patient mom, my wise brother who somehow knows just when to impart his famous “who cares?!” to bring me back to reality when I’m fretting over something, my family, my friends, and yep, even some self-help books, I have cobbled together ways that kinda, sorta work for me.

And yet, I still fail. I fail a lot at all of this, and slide back into my old perfectionist ways more times than I care to admit. And you know what? That’s okay, because I haven’t given up yet! So while I’m not perfect at this journey (by any stretch of the imagination), I am getting better at working toward good.  And that’s not so bad.