Tips for Divorced Parents to Keep your Spirits Bright (both Yours and Your Kids’!) During the Holiday Season   

The holidays can be a difficult time to be divorced. Most of us are accustomed to celebrating as a couple or family.  It may be especially challenging if you are a parent and this is your child’s year with “the other parent.”  You cannot change the fact your family structure is now different, but you can take steps to make certain you and your children are happy.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Make the time that you have count. If you are alone on Thanksgiving, chances are, with custody arrangements, you will likely have your children for another holiday (Hanukkah, Christmas, etc). So use your time now to plan a terrific celebration a month from now. Instead of taking up the time thinking about what is not the same, be productive and lose yourself in brainstorming some new, fun and surprising ideas and traditions.

2. Find a friend with whom to share the holiday. Single friends, friends far from their home, and other divorced pals who share your feelings would appreciate the company. Plan a great, merry time together – whether that’s a meal out, a potluck at your house, or an all-day trip to the local Cineplex to catch films likely to be Oscar-nominated in the new year, (and maybe some good old-fashioned blockbusters as well!).  And don’t forget to put some thought into how you dress – no pajamas or baggy sweats — you never know who you may find yourself sitting next to!

3. Treat yourself to something (you can afford). A new dress you needed for work, but didn’t have time to buy, a massage, or chocolates. Or how about a stack of magazines and a CD of your favorite music – then come home, slip into something comfy, relax, listen and read. Bliss! The point is, be nice to yourself.  You deserve it.

4. Don’t fight with your children or your ex-spouse. Fighting is easy when you are disappointed or stressed. Little things grow into mountains. Instead, look away, take a deep breath, and remember that this is a season of peace and goodwill (you can even repeat those three words as a mantra, if needed).

5. Pack a little note in your children’s bag wishing them a happy holiday and a very good time. To enjoy their own holiday, your children need to know you will be okay.  This is where you can step up and show how a grown-up handles a difficult situation. They’ll remember – and be grateful for – your behavior both now and for years down the line.

6. Plan “alternate day festivities.” If you still want to have your own celebration, do it on a different day. Why must Thanksgiving be on Thursday?  Instead, have a pre-Thanksgiving dinner Wednesday. Celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas a day earlier or later (after all, it actually is the holiday somewhere in the world!).

7. Celebrate without spending lots of money. You may feel pressure to match gifts given by the parent with more financial resources. Don’t ! Elaborate wrapping and expensive gifts may delight a child momentarily, but no one can forget the image of a child happily playing with the box in which the life-sized doll-house was packed and not the house itself! Another example: think outside the (physical gift) box. Give your child an IOU for “No chores for a week” or “No babysitting your brother for a month.” These are the type of gifts that will be greeted with a big “thank you!” now, and with fond amusement decades from now.

8. Seek insight from professionals. Lastly, If you still need some uplift and advice about being solo during a time of year when everybody on TV – and at work — seems to be part of a happy couple or joyous family, have a look at professional advice from these sources: WebMD’s common-sense counsel, PsychCentral’s pithy, practical list of suggestions, and the HuffingtonPost’s two articulate takes on the subject: Ellen Kellner’s wry, been-there-done-that essay, and the Director of the American Institute of Cognitive Therapy in NY, Robert Leahy, explaining how to outwit your mind when it just seems to want to focus on the holiday blues.  His down-to-earth, step-by-step plan may feel like just the kind of it’s-all-going-to-be-okay input you need.