5 Ways to Properly Pay Your Respects  

Benjamin Franklin, one of the wisest and most quotable pundits in history, once said there are only two things that we can truly be certain of in life: taxes and death. Yes, death is definitely part of everyone’s life and, unfortunately, the older we get, the more funerals we are expected to attend.

But many people aren’t comfortable dealing with death, and are literally at a loss as to what to do and say when someone near and dear has made his final exit. Here are some dos and don’ts of funeral etiquette that can help you properly pay your respects.

Appropriate Remarks

When coming face to face with the loved one of the departed, keep your remarks simple, such as, “I am sorry for your loss,” or “You are in my thoughts and prayers.” If you were close to the deceased, you can share a quick story or anecdote. Try to avoid comments such as “She/he is in a better place” or “Now you can start moving on with your life.” You may mean well saying comments like these, but they could offend the mourners.

Send a handwritten sympathy card in lieu of emailed condolences, which are really much too casual, even in today’s busy world. A brief phone call expressing your sympathy to family members is perfectly acceptable (but follow it up with a mailed sympathy card).

At the Funeral

Wearing black is a time-honored tradition at a funeral, but people are a little less formal about that rule today. To ensure you dress appropriately for the event, avoid anything too casual, loud, or revealing.

Parking may be an issue at the location of the service, so it’s best to arrive early in case you have to park farther away than anticipated. If there is a guestbook or registry available, be sure to sign it with your first and last names so the family knows who attended the service. Because they typically have many people to talk with, family members may not be able to see everyone who was in attendance. Avoid seeking out the family prior to the service, unless there is a receiving line set up. If there is, keep your remarks brief to keep the line moving along so the service is not delayed.

Don’t use the actual funeral service as your opportunity to catch up with old friends or relatives. There will be plenty of time after the service to do that. Make sure you turn off all electronic devices, and do not take any photographs. Resist the temptation to check your text messages.

In choosing your seat at the service, the general rule of etiquette dictates that you sit behind the family, with casual acquaintances and co-workers sitting farther back. If you bring children to a service and they begin crying loudly or start making inappropriate comments, immediately take them outside.

Unless you have a dire emergency, stay for the entire service. However, if you are feeling highly emotional, you may wish to discreetly leave for a moment or two to compose yourself and avoid upsetting your fellow mourners.

Cemetery Protocol

There is nothing wrong with attending the memorial service and skipping the graveside services. However, if you do choose to attend the dearly departed’s burial, follow funeral protocol. There may be a police-led motorcade or procession, so be mindful to follow the lead of the hearse. Once you are at the cemetery, pull off to the side of the road, and do not park on grass. Keep in mind that the chairs at a graveside service are reserved for the immediate family, and other guests will be expected to stand. Avoid walking on graves, and try to stay between headstones. And again, keep your children in check and remind them that even though they are outside, a cemetery is not a park and that running and games are inappropriate.

Flowers vs. Charitable Donations

It is totally appropriate to send flowers in memory of the deceased; however, some people prefer to make a memorial or contribution to a charity of the family’s designation. If the family did not designate a charity, choose one that you think is appropriate to memorialize the deceased. 

While a funeral is always a somber event, knowing how to navigate your way through the grieving process can make this difficult time a little easier.