A Survivor’s Journey from Mental & Emotional Abuse to Freedom 

We as women, particularly now in a new age of female empowerment, are often looked at to be strong, positive, motivational, and inspiring.  At times, however, we do not feel any of these things. I am a mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Juggling all these titles can be overwhelming, but I am proud to wear them. Beyond those roles, I am a survivor of emotional and mental abuse. The abuse I endured was not blatantly obvious, but subtle, and took place over the course of several years. During that that time, the life I lived was closed off from family and friends. I was drowning on the inside.  My abuser had convinced me I was unworthy.  An intelligent, beautiful and successful woman had become a victim of abuse.

How does this occur? For starters, being emotionally and mentally abused does not happen overnight and, unlike physical abuse, it is often not something that can be seen right away.  Although something deep down inside of me tried to tell me the truth about the situation, the abuser’s words were piercing deep into my soul and preventing me somehow from doing that. I began to tell myself, maybe if I don’t speak up, talk back, or just conform to what he wants me to do, it will get better.  It does not get better, it gets worse.

Break the Cycle of Solitude and Suffering

I am sharing my story to spark awareness, because if you are experiencing this type of abuse, you are not alone.  Do not suffer alone or in silence.  It happens on every level, and it does not matter what your status is or how successful you are.  This type of abuse sucks the life out of you, with your emotions being scattered, and our mental state being completely broken. In order for you to realize this is actually happening, you need to stop keeping it a secret. Stop allowing family and friends to believe you are okay, when in actuality, you are not, but instead are running yourselves ragged trying to figure out how to “fix” or escape the daily wrath.

Below are some signs if you, a friend, or a family member may be experiencing some form of emotional/mental abuse in a relationship. (Credit: Marni Feuerman) If someone you’re in a relationship with:

• Humiliates or embarrasses you
• Puts you down
• Is hypercritical
• Does not communicate
• Constantly ignores or excludes you
• Engages in extramarital affairs
• Exhibits provocative behavior with the opposite sex
• Frequently uses sarcasm and an unpleasant tone of voice
• Shows unreasonable jealousy
• Has extreme mood swings
• Constantly makes fun of you
• Says “I love you, but…”
• Says things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____”
• Likes to exhibit control
• Withdraws affection
• Offers guilt trips
• Makes everything “your fault”
• Isolates you from friends and family
• Uses money to control
• Threatens to commit suicide if you leave

This is why emotional/mental abuse is a silent killer, because we may have experienced what is listed above, but the abuse is often unseen, even as it is happening. As women, we are good at ignoring and telling ourselves we can “fix” this.  In actuality, the only person we can fix is ourselves. When this realization takes place, the healing begins.

Begin to Heal by Connecting with Others

Some solutions: stay connected to close friends and family.  Especially family, because if anyone is going to know the signs before you recognize them, it is family.  Do not suffer alone.  Family is your lifeline to getting yourself back on track.  If you do not have family close by, join a support group or see a professional. Will it be easy? No… Leaving my abuser took courage and strength, and yes, I was terrified. This meant I would be alone again. Will you blame yourself for allowing this type of abuse to happen? The answer is, unfortunately, probably “yes” — however, it is not your fault.  And you will learn that as time goes on, you will get through this. Healing from this type of trauma will be a process, so take your time. It begins with you taking “the first step of courage.”  Most importantly, before that first step, look in the mirror, and tell yourself how worthy and valuable you are.

Below is a poem I wrote for us to be encouraged as we continue to move forward on the healing journey.  It is titled “Today.” In the blank space a few lines in, insert your name:

Today
Today, I will no longer let my fears have power over me
Today, I declare I am worthy and valuable no matter what my past
Or what others have done to break me down.

Today is a new day
I will shine brighter than ever before
Today, I say __________, I can do all things
Today is the start of something big.

Today, my dreams will begin to take place outside of my mind
Today, I will look at my life, my mistakes, and heartbreak
As a source of strength and potential to soar as high as the eagle
Today, I will NOT apologize.

Today, Today, Today,
It all starts with me.
Be empowered, motivated, and inspired!

List of Resources

If you are being abused or know of someone who is, here is a list of resources to assist in the healing process: 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Focus on the FamilyEnditnow.org
• Futures Without Violence
• The Women’s Center 

Articles

• Am I Being Abused?
• Emotional Abuse

Books:

• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
• The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel