Being the “Only” Does Not Mean You Have to Be Lonely  

Everyone has read the story of “The Ugly Duckling.” The moral of this age-old tale is that, while there are different kinds of birds, one kind is no better than another kind, and each one has unique characteristics that make it special. But, in real life, when you are the only person who looks like a duck and quacks like a duck in an office of swans (or wanna-be swans), it would be naïve to think that there aren’t hurdles that come with that distinction.

We’ve heard stories about women who are left behind in the office while their male counterparts are taken to sporting events, or who miss key meetings with clients or opportunities to network with their colleagues. We’ve listened to anecdotes about how the only person of a certain ethnic minority was ostracized from after-work happy hours where work-related war stories were bantered about. As offices become more diverse across genders, generations, and ethnicities, many of us will be faced with being the only (fill-in-the-blank) in the office. This can seem like a lonely way to spend a significant portion of your workday, let alone your life. However, if approached with the right perspective, being the “only” can offer you unique opportunities and advantages.

As the only, you have to be aware of your own worth as a complex human being. You weren’t hired simply because you are (fill-in-the-blank); you were hired, and you remain an employee, because you are the most qualified person to do your job. Your qualifications for your job are only amplified by the fact that you can offer your employer and clients a distinct point of view. The following are four ways you can let your uniqueness shine in a way that will help you, and your company, soar.

Speak Up If You  Feel Left Out

If you feel that you are being treated differently from your co-workers, bring it up with them. Trust your instinct, but approach the topic in a manner that will be well-received by your colleagues and supervisors. Although complaints about how you are treated may be valid, you don’t want to come off as a complainer. Nor do people usually take kindly to being called racist, sexist, or any “ist.” When you first bring the situation to the attention of your colleagues or supervisor, your initial goal should be to assure the people in your office that you intend to be a full member of the team, just as they are, including participating in activities that occur outside of the office, but are related, even tangentially, to work. If clients are being entertained, you should be there. If the team is going out for lunch, you want to join them. This may be a difficult subject to mention, because you are essentially walking a tightrope– you need to ensure that you are taken seriously without being accusatory. If you believe the conversation will be controversial, talk about it first with a trusted mentor, inside or outside your company. If the feedback is positive, address the topic with your fellow employees. Prepare yourself for awkwardness, but do your best to make the conversation as comfortable as possible for everyone involved.

Flaunt Your Diverse Circles

Let your actions remind your supervisors that your diversity is a strength that benefits the team as a whole. Your personal life experiences will likely mean that you are a member of affinity groups, social groups, or sororities that may expose your business to a more diverse client base, and your networking opportunities may be vastly different from those of your colleagues. Building business around your uniqueness and alongside your professional prowess often presents exclusive opportunities.

Find Commonalities Among Your Colleagues

What makes you the only in your office is not solely what defines you. Are you the only woman in the field? Does that mean you talk exclusively about topics that could be stereotyped as feminine? Of course not. We are more alike than we are unalike. You likely share a lot of the same professional interests that many of your colleagues do, and you probably have many of the same personal interests, too, even if they are not immediately obvious. For instance, many people enjoy the same television shows, so talking about “The Voice” or some other family-friendly program should be a safe topic. Engage your colleagues in conversation to find these commonalities.  Should it be your duty to find topics of shared interest? Arguably not. However, it will definitely benefit you to do so.

Discuss Differences to Build Bridges

As an only, you should be especially aware of other “onlies” who may be facing the same challenges in the workplace. Be open to discuss their challenges, in an appropriate manner, and be attuned to changes in their behavior that may indicate discomfort based on their status as onlies. Offer them support, if and when needed, as you would any other employee who may experience a professional hurdle.

Remember, being an only doesn’t have to feel lonely. Your unique life experiences can be a professional benefit, especially if you keep in mind that we have more in common as professionals within the same field than we do differences.