Effective Ways to Communicate with Co-Workers When There’s Friction at Work  

Most people are kind to the stranger at the store, smile at a passerby, and even volunteer to help others in need, because, well, generally human beings are good and kind. Yet, some people don’t give that same credence to the workplace. Employees spend eight hours (if not more) at work. As a result, more time is spent with coworkers than with family or friends. This being said, why is it sometimes so difficult to work well with others?

A positive working relationship with colleagues can help achieve more, increase productivity, and can build friendships that add to job satisfaction. Yet, most can attest to having a co-worker they struggle to get along with, or have experienced the feeling of not being able to relate to others at the office. Seeing colleagues on a humane level, instead of just what they do as a profession, can help enhance your working relationship. Adding humanity in the workplace, when there’s potential conflict, is not just about being kind, but delving a little deeper to better understand the individual and recognize that what connects co-workers is a lot more than what separates them.

In order to delve into humanity, one must remember that co-workers are human. Humans can be complicated, have good days and bad days, but they want to matter and desire to belong. If one recognizes commonalities of co-workers, interactions can become intentional. For instance, when someone utters a passive-aggressive remark or loses their cool, more effective ways of dealing with the situation can be addressed. How does one begin to do this? First, understand that people are always communicating, and at the basic level it’s primal.  Words, non-verbal cues, and body language express one’s feelings toward others but also reflect reactions to others’ remarks. Many try to disguise their feelings under the mask of professionalism, but what is primal is difficult to disguise. Humans react to the slightest face movements, gestures, and tone of others. All of these modes of communication speak louder than words themselves. What ultimately happens is that words are ignored and non-verbal cues heighten our emotions. At this point, misunderstanding and miscommunication begins.

Human nature means being okay with the knowledge that people have good days and bad days, imperfections, and, at times, can be difficult. With this awareness should come the intention to lead with the highest virtue—a person who strives to be more kind, more patient, and more understanding towards oneself and others. This new mind-set can lead to more effective interactions. Career and life are never separate. What humans bring to every interaction and every situation should be her “highest-self”.  A person doesn’t have to be a push over or have a fake-it-till-you-make-it philosophy; recognizing that primal human interactions are natural and are part of how people express themselves will bring understanding of oneself and others in the workplace.

Here are some effective ways to communicate with one’s humanity at the forefront. 

Listen, Act, Speak

Listening is an active form of communication. Paying attention, caring, validating and acknowledging what is being said is active listening. When an employee takes the time to really listen to a coworker, or anyone for that matter, non-verbal cues can be analyzed and appreciated. Non-verbal communication has been said to consist of 93 percent (55 percent body language and 38 percent tone of voice) of all communication. Being aware one’s own feelings and reactions to what is being conveyed can help evaluate the behavior of others and tailor your communication more effectively. Knowing what to say comes from active listening. Less than two percent of all professionals have had formal education or training to understand and improve listening skills and techniques. Toastmasters International, a non-profit, worldwide club dedicated to helping members improve their communication, public speaking and leadership skills, has great modules that help with listening skills and techniques.

Be aware of One’s Own Thoughts and Feelings

Some employees may have felt particularly vulnerable at work at one time or another. A new promotion, the start of a new project, or a new boss may make an employee feel intimidated, removed or stressed. Becoming aware of how these changes affect one’s thinking or emotions is the start of leading with humanity. One’s thoughts and feelings must be addressed, or they may transpire into a negative outcome in an interaction with others. The best way to do this is to communicate feelings and thoughts with a team, a supportive coworker, or internally–taking the time to create a quiet space to confront them. Being intentional about every interaction takes work, but it will pay dividends. When one’s emotional world can be regulated, a person can be attuned to the emotions of others. Listed are a few techniques to try.

• Identify emotions as they are happening. Take a deep breath before acting, especially when a situation triggers anger or frustration. Ask for space or time to think before responding. It’s better to take the time to respond than apologizing for an inappropriate response.

• Sometimes humans can be critical of others while turning a blind eye to their own flaws. Take a look in the mirror. This will help gain a better understanding of one’s own flaws and create empathy for others’ short-comings. This exercise can improve approaching and coaching of an individual who may be dealing with similar struggles.

• Monitor self-talk. Negative self-talk can spiral into stress and depression which will only be at the forefront of interactions with others. Being hard on oneself must be balanced with self-compassion. For every negative thought, come up with five positive thoughts. Struggling with stating positive things? List five things that your mom would say about you. It’ll not only make you laugh, but it’ll make you feel better.

Talk About It

Finally, if a coworker is coming across as passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive, talk to them about their behavior. This coworker may not even be aware of how she (or he) is coming across. Not dealing with a situation where a coworker is difficult can create a toxic environment. Discuss it in a professional manner and let the coworker know that their actions or verbal tone is neither appropriate nor professional. Stay calm and don’t take it personally. A quick scheduled meeting with the individual can help address the friction. Sometimes conflict can lead to better outcomes.

Employees don’t need to be friends with all of their colleagues, but it’s essential to cultivate healthy work relationships that can allow each individual to thrive. Everyone wants to contribute, matter, and belong. Humanity is primal and not something that needs to be masked in the workplace.