Expert Advice on Avoiding the Holiday Blues  

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Day…the Bermuda Triangle of holidays that sucks in normal women striving for holiday perfection and spins them into a depressive state from which there seems no return. When everyone around you at the office, in the mall…everywhere, seems so darned happy, you might think, “How can I feel so blue?”

Our experts agreed that when depression hits hard during the holidays, women should consult a therapist as soon as they start to feel symptoms rage out of hand, especially if they have a history of a mental disorder. However, most women can avoid the holiday blues by practicing ten simple steps.

Traci Ruble, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Director and Founder of Psyched in San Francisco, specializes in Couples Therapy, particularly with high achieving women and men executives, highlighted the key ingredients to holiday depression. Ruble explained, “If you already have a predisposition to depression, the holidays may be a recipe for a new “depressive flu” and may be a good time of year to consult with your doctor. For others, the holidays create a ripe atmosphere for a winter “emotional cold” because of seasonal affective disorder, stress of the hectic pace, family reunions igniting old feelings, and the feeling that one is supposed to be merry and bright.

Reduce stress to feel the joy of the season. Ruble said, “For women gender roles in the kitchen and community are especially prevalent during the holidays. When I work with couples in my practice, it is still the woman coordinating cookie exchanges, parties, Christmas carding, wrapping and decorating.” While “some hustle and bustle feels fun,” Ruble advised that even exciting stress take its toll. Sleeping more, not less, and being disciplined about exercise over the holidays is a good bet. Research shows exercise is more effective than antidepressants at helping you manage your mood.

Make time for a self-check, but this time of your emotions, not your breasts. “Overall, being around family tends to pull us back into childhood family roles,” reminded Ruble. Family time encourages old loves and hurts to resurface. “Taking planned breaks from the group to remember your adult self really helps keep everything in perspective,” said Ruble. Don’t forget to say a few kind words to yourself, as well, such as, “Oh that really hurt when mom said that. I am sorry” while putting a hand to your heart and breathing deeply, which Ruble said, will help you move forward from the situation. Burying the pain won’t serve you. The trick is to acknowledge, then move swiftly through the hurts or painful memories.

Accept what is, not what should be. It’s a myth that the holidays should be merry and bright all the time. “Because of this myth many people shame themselves for being unhappy,” Ruble said, “Some aspects of the holidays are really terrible. What if we could fully accepted the terrible aspects of the holidays?” When shopping mall lines, heavy traffic and unrealistic expectations send your blood to the boiling point, you can utilize Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques, as Ruble does. Calmly ask yourself what is causing the discord. Accept that no one promised the holidays would be perfect, calm or happy all the time. Let go of the expectations of perfection and accept that traffic and lines are simply a part of the holiday season. You might begin to see the humor in the stress and chaos in those around you.

Devin Price, M.A., LMFT, who operates a practice in San Diego, CA focused on Preventive Health for Happy Families, advises women to“creatively, and pro-actively” ritualize their holiday celebrations in a way that makes sense to them to “bring healing, cause for celebration, or comfort in ways that traditional holiday celebratory concepts may not.” Think outside the box so that you do not judge yourself harshly against traditional holiday norms.

Price says, “Pro-Actively Ritualize. Holidays have layers of meaning to humankind. They connote the passage of time; they arouse spiritual connectivity; they surge that communal sense of belonging. They also impose a time of reflection, which can be difficult for those that carry the weight of mental health challenges. This can be particularly challenging to women because of the unspoken legend that we are the ones who keep the hearth … which can feel quite desolate when not co-habitated by others. These narratives, however, can be changed. If we reframe the meaning of these holidays, we might be better able to enjoy them. How might we celebrate gratitude differently onThanksgiving? Can we plant a Winter Solstice tree instead of the traditional cut pine tree with popcorn strings? On New Year’s Eve, can we write a farewell letter to our difficulties and then toss it in the fireplace? The time to do it is when you have the energy for it, which is likely before the holiday songs start playing in the elevator. Think ahead about the holidays and create new rituals that you are excited about. It is your narrative; so actively transform it to work for you!”

Nakya Reeves, LMFT, owner of Creative Solutions Therapy in South Florida recommends that women honor, not mourn, the memories of loved ones at holiday time. Traumatic experiences such as the death of a loved one near a holiday can trigger bouts of depression during the holiday season. Reeves said, “If the holidays represent the anniversary of a death, find a way to honor your loved one that uniquely ties to the holidays rather than mourning them.” Visit that special restaurant and order dad’s favorite meal, plant a tree in honor of your mother, or use your grandmother’s wedding china for Christmas dinner. Celebrate the wonderful things about that person, or carry on traditions in their absence such as continuing to make blankets for the shelter like your Aunt Mamie did annually.

While you mentally manage the feelings associated with grief and loss, remember to take care of yourself physically as well. “Since the holidays are usually centered around food, use nutrition as a way to manage depression,” Reeves recommended. Specific spices, such as Turmeric, which is popular in many Indian-style dishes, can be added to juices and smoothies as well and “has beneficial effects on mental health, specifically depression and anxiety symptoms,” said Reeves. Don’t forget the positive effects of exercise! Reeves suggested, “Find a fun way like a yoga class or interesting fitness class. You will meet new people and experience something new, while releasing endorphins and providing a natural way of fighting depression.”

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and an author known for quickly putting psychological issues into laymans’ terms. She encouraged women during the holidays to “Expect the expected. If every year you and your spouse argue about where to spend Christmas – cut that conversation off at the pass and set a plan and live with it. If certain family members are always critical at a holiday get together, expect it will be no different, in fact anticipate it.” If you know that “the house rarely looks like the pictures in the magazines” because you work 70 hours a week, expect too that you are not likely to suddenly clean and decorate it to look like a nostaglic magazine clipping from yesteryear. Instead, expect and accept that your home doesn’t look that way. (Neither does anyone else’s really) You can them either love your home for the holidays as is, or hire someone to clean and decorate it for you.

Leslie Davenport, MS, MFT Integrative Psychotherapist is currently in practice at the Health and Healing Clinic at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco and Marin. Davenport proactively encourages women “to be empowered in shaping the holiday season, and not just feeling pressure to replay tired old traditions.” She recommended women, “Create new traditions” by inviting “those close to you to have a holiday makeover” and “finding creative ways to celebrate that are expressive of current interests and budgets.”

Davenport also recommended you “Stay true to your values” during the holidays. “Suggest gifts and activities that support the life you really value and enjoy. For example, what might it be like to make gifts together, like baking bread or assembling wreaths, or simply taking a walk together to enjoy the particular beauty of winter?” A great deal of holiday stress and depression surfaces because of engaging in activities, purchasing items, or attending events that are incongruous with our values.

Finally, Davenport cautioned, “Pace yourself. The rhythm of the holidays can easily become an intense flurry of activity. If you enjoy multiple gatherings, spread them out. If you skip a party with friends, invite them to rejuvenate with you on a post-holiday spa day.” Take a few minutes to brainstorm all the possibilities for the holiday season, then figure out how to pace them out so that you, your friends, and your family don’t become overwhelmed.

If you anticipate your holiday season inspiring more feelings of “Bah Humbug” than “Joy to the World,” remember that the intents of the season are warmth, love, goodwill, and togetherness. Ultimately, you should surround yourself with the people, places and things that evoke those good feelings and scrap the rest.