Whether Reckless or Right, Proceed with Caution

What is a woman supposed to do if she is attracted to a coworker? None of my foster mothers ever gave me that advice.

I’m not talking about sexual politics that combines sexual attraction and power. This isn’t sexual harassment involving sex and coercion in the workplace. What I am talking about is something different; the murky waters of workplace dating. The way men and women treat each other is a thicket of confusion even in the everyday world, let alone in the workplace.

As an independent attorney, I work with men in different fields. I defend people accused of crimes, and interface often with the police department and specifically detectives.  As a newcomer to Charleston, it wasn’t easy to meet people, and I found myself really enjoying spending time with a certain detective who was also a “Yankee” named Preston Cruz.  Since I didn’t see him everyday at the office, I thought this didn’t count as dating a co-worker.  Then I defended an accused killer that he had arrested.  Through bad timing and coincidence, I was even at the crime scene and saw Preston do things that I thought were inappropriate for an investigator.  All of a sudden, Preston and I were arguing about how we each do our jobs, and even our own moral codes. Needless to say, this was catastrophic for our relationship.  There were other mitigating factors in our break-up, including his mysterious involvement with my client Lee Anne Marcus, but leaving that aside,  I did learn something about dating a colleague in this situation.

1. Keep business separate. If you must date a co-worker or colleague, leave business at the office. At home, try having a moratorium on work talk, say, after 8 pm, no work talk. It will probably do wonders for your sex life.
2. Don’t try to tell him how to do his job.  Honestly, that works for any colleague whether you are dating or not.  People must be allowed to do things their way, take ownership of their work and succeed or fail on their own terms.  Dating anyone, you usually succeed if you can be loving and supportive after their long annoying day.  That goes double if you both work at the same place.

You would think I would have learned from my failed relationship with Preston, but what did I do? I immediately became attracted to another colleague!  This time it is my opposing counsel, Roy Rayder.  It’s natural to become attracted to someone you work with. After all, you share much of the same education and interests. This attraction to Roy is much more complicated, however, because we both know that we can’t pursue any romantic intentions until Lee Anne Marcus’ sexual discrimination lawsuit is resolved.  So I find myself asking, what is this? Is this me wanting what I can’t have?  Is this the heat of the battle with a handsome colleague that I admire giving me fantasies that will disappear when we return to “regular life?”  These are good questions to ask, and I’m taking my time. It’s not as if Roy is going to drop off the planet.  Actually, working as opposing counsel on this case is allowing me to get to know him and really examine whether we could “be together” without the heat of a sexual affair clouding my judgement.  I can stand back and see that my admiration for him is real, my feelings are real; I was surprised to see how jealous I was when he started dating someone.  What will all this mean for Roy and I down the line? I don’t know yet.  But when and if we do get together, it will be all the sweeter for the wait.

With the number of women in the workforce continuing to climb, we are very likely to meet people to whom we are attracted at work. It can end in happiness as it did for President Barack and Michelle Obama who met at a Chicago law firm when he was an associate and she, his supervisor; or in pain, as it did for my client Lee Anne Marcus.  Vault.com’s seven-year survey on office romance found that 59% of people admit to dating a colleague at least once in their careers. (How many people still wouldn’t own up?)

My best advice is, take your time, listen, learn, and proceed with caution. Even if you want to jump that guy and rip his clothes off.

Photos: ©2013 CBS Broadcasting Inc; Writer: Dana Stevens, Reckless Creator